It’s a grim reality that many women fake orgasm during sex with a partner, even a husband, on a regular basis. I’d love to say that I’ve never done it, but like most women I have spoken with, and based upon the statistics I have read, “faking it” is really widespread. I wanted to look into the reasons why women feel the need to have faux climaxes, and why men seem to buy the act. You’d think that in this day and age that women would feel confident enough to be open and honest about what’s really happening for them. I mean we’ve come a long way baby… or have we?
The Fairy Tale of Happy Endings
We have been conditioned from birth to believe every story has a beginning, middle and a gloriously (cue heroic music) happy ending. We are taught to be goal oriented, and get to the destination, rather than enjoying the journey.
Shopping and Female Orgasms – A Metaphor
Based upon my experience of the masculine psyche, men do not like to dawdle when it comes to shopping (or anything really). I haven’t met many men who like to “stop and smell the roses”. When most of my previous partners have shopped with me, it’s about the end result, buying something, getting to the destination, finishing the task at hand.
I’ve literally planned shopping trips based upon my partner’s limited attention span and temperament, doing reconnaissance for the closest parking spot to the shop, the quickest route to the shop, knowing where the item to be purchased is within the shop, so we can get in and out of the mall before he gets bored and cranky. Unfortunately, with my ex-husband, sex was much the same. There was no lingering foreplay, no detours and a job to be done. And sadly, many men I have slept with have been the same goal oriented types.
These men are linear types who believe in the beginning (foreplay), middle, him on top, and end, me on top. I also notice on porn that it is much the same, except that there is usually a blow job at the end, with the woman relishing the man sauce on her face.
That prescriptive narrative is the sexual menu with most men I have been with fall into. The problem is that most women I know and have spoken to, love to linger, explore the feelings, sensations and meander along the path to pleasure, both when shopping and in the sheets. We like to wallow and expore the experience.
As couples we feel the need to add the punctuation mark, to mark the occasion with an earth shattering orgasm that will leave him wanting more. The problem is, human sexuality, especially female sexuality, doesn’t work like fairytales or shopping.
The Fake Orgasm for His Self Esteem
When a man is in the throws of passion and about 3 seconds from coming and I’m not even close, I feel I have to do something. I don’t want him not to cum. I don’t want to “ruin” the moment. Even if the moment is a falicy.
If I know he won’t be up for another session, it feels weird to just lie there, doing nothing. So I throw in a few “Holly fuck”s and “Oh my god”s, which of course make it all happen quicker. Also, so he doesn’t feel the need to apologise afterwards. His “I didn’t make you come” apology every time, after sex gets old, and demoralising for everyone. It’s also emasculating and can damage the relationship, especially after years of marriage. As a consequence, I like throw him the bone of “Oh yes, you were amazing”
As women we have been socially conditioned to want to please our man and part of that is about ego stroking. As much as he wants his penis stroked, his ego is often the part of him that needs stroking the most. Making your man feel like a man is a big part of lifting his self esteem, putting on the performance so he knows he’s doing the right things are part of that. If a man feels good about his prowess, he’s often a better lover. We hope.
For me, when I was less experienced, I took it a step further and forgot who I was and what I wanted, and became exactly what my lover wanted me to be. I was, what most men would say, “great in the rack”. Except I was a total fraud. The real me wasn’t even there. I’d replace myself with someone else… The person he wanted me to be. I was’nt being authentic, and I wasn’t doing him any favours in the long term. I eventually grew to really resent it, and one drunken night I blurted out to my husband of 15 years:“You’ve never made me cum. I’ve faked every orgasm with you”. Understandably, he was truly crushed and it was part of the death of the relationship.
The Fake Orgasm So I Don’t Feel Like A Dud
Men who watch a lot of porn are conditioned to think that 99.99% of women can cum from penetrative sex, after a bit of oral sex. Women in real life are told they are “anorgasmic“. Basically there is something wrong with them, if they don’t match up to women in hard core porn. In order not to look inadequate in front of a new lover, I have, in the past, faked orgasm so they don’t think I have “issues” around sex. Unfortunately, one lie leads to another, and another. If I’ve eventually ended up in a long term relationship with that person, I’ve never known how to dig myself out. Of course, getting older has meant I know the reality of the situation and am more honest, these days, if an orgasmic reality isn’t happening for me.
Great Expectations
There is just so much pressure on women to cum. Don’t get me wrong. I love a great orgasm. Men see it as a badge of honour if they can make their lovers climax every single time. Women feel under pressure to orgasm. Ironically, this anxiety of climaxing can be the very thing that prevents her from reaching the heights of pleasure. I’ve often drunk to alleviate my sexual anxiety, and when I drink I become over-the-top and theatrical. Most blokes I’ve been with, in these times, think it’s great. But in all honesty I’m really just being over-the-top and completely sozzled. The real “me” is often not present.
The “I’m Tired and Over It” Fake Orgasm
I have to confess, I have been guilty of this as well. If I guy has been hammering away for a while and I’m just not feeling it, I don’t want to chuck the hard working fellow off, roll over and go to sleep, I’ll put on an Oscar winning performance, to speed things along. I’ve literally found myself looking at my watch over his shoulder. The fake orgasm usually does the trick and 4 minutes later, he’s happily snoring away. I can then get on with either pleasing myself the way I like it (which takes about 5 minutes at most) or get some shut-eye myself. I sound like I have been with some real clangers in bed, but really I’ve either been with someone new, not compatible or just having sex for the sake of it.
If I am with a one night stand that’s proving to not be to my taste and I just want to get out of there, I may fake it then make a break for it. It’s not a consent issue, as I’ve been wanting to sleep with him, but once we are doing the deed, I’ve either lost the urge or I get bored. Sometimes people just don’t click and it’s easier to leave him with his self esteem in tact, than up and leave in the middle of coitus. I am much more likely to cum if I trust and love the guy than someone new, and that’s the emotional reality for me.
How Can A Guy Tell If A Woman is Faking Orgasm?
I’m always amazed when guys buy my act. I don’t know why. Is it because men are so conditioned to women faking it? Or is it because we act the way porn stars do, to turn the guy on, or if they just want to believe it? There are some telltale signs, however, that we are faking it, and I will give some signs that it isn’t a faux orgasm.
No Break After An Orgasm
When I climax, I generally need to bliss out, catch my breath and enjoy the sensation. If I am voracious after my (fake) orgasm, then it’s a sign that I didn’t actually get there. Usually I am ridiculously sensitive after a genuine orgasm and need a moment for things to get back to a less aroused state before continuing. Of course every woman is different, but this stage is recognised as the “resolution phase” of an orgasm.
No Pelvic Contraction
When a woman comes, her lady parts have a very obvious dance. They clench fast and hard (and I am talking about most women, not all). She might be screaming like there’s no tomorrow, but her vagina is still, chances are it’s fake. Most men can feel if a woman comes through pelvic contractions. I have to however have to add a major confession: I’ve got strong pelvic floor muscles and I can contract them, so this is not always a sign. But most women haven’t progressed to “Advanced Faking” this far, so maybe ignore my confession here.
She Suddenly Wants to Change How You Have Sex
If, out of nowhere, she wants to spend less time on penis/vagina sex, and more time on foreplay, there’s a possibility that she’s sick of faking it, and wants to engage in some more meaningful activity for her. The problem here is that if you’ve been happily thinking everything is amazing and it suddenly changes, you might be confused as to what she wants. After all, you know what she likes… right????
You might not. This can be a relationship killer, but if you communicate well, maybe ask her. It might be hard to hear, but it’s equally hard for a woman to admit. There could of course be other reasons, but in my experience, this is a pretty sure sign.
Fake Orgasm: Being True and Authentic
Being fake isn’t good for anyone. I regret most of the fake orgasms I have had, because with each one it took me further and further away from the goal I was trying to accomplish. By trying to be “good in bed” I became someone I didn’t recognise. It did more harm than good to my relationships, and drove me away from the place I am finding for myself now and it’s been a long journey back to authenticity and true pleasure and joy.
Women, be honest in your body’s reactions, be honest in your body language. Be authentic with your words and sounds. The main thing is to communicate with authenticity at every level. You risk losing a guy, but if he cares about you he will stick around.
This post is written from personal experience, and my final note is that all men and women are different. We are all built differently and we all react to different stimuli.
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