I have a friend who I would probably classify as my best friend. I’m not big on having best friends, but if I had to pick one, I’d pick this one. We get along like a house on fire and have heaps in common – general disdain for most people, a love of white wine and a relatively dry sense of humour.
We also have our polar oppositions. I am short, she is tall. I am tanned, she is Casper. I giggle at inappropriate moments, she does not. I can reverse park, she most definitely cannot. But for all of our differences, the glue that keeps our relationship strong and unified is our shared unsexual response to breaking glass. That’s right, a shattered schooner glass just doesn’t make our (separately worn) panties wet. I know, I was just as shocked as you are right now when I discovered this un-turn on of mine.
One fantastic Friday night we found ourselves sitting at the back of Old Joes (aka Northies #nojudgement) and not long after arriving a very drunken man sauntered over to our table and with a loud thunk, placed his empty schooner glass on our table. He blessed us with a wink that looked more like a facial twitch and then proceeded to saunter off again. We rolled our eyes and muttered under our breaths about these peasants. Less than five minutes later, the Sauntering Schooner Sleaze returned to our table. He reached out for his empty glass and whilst maintaining somewhat impressive eye contact, he proceeded to pull it off the table so that it effectively shattered at our feet. Without saying a word, he smirked and rejoined his friends for a good laugh.
As you can imagine, I was so impressed. I was pretty much ready to leave my boyfriend and go home with this guy you know? It’s not often that a guy can truly showcase his incredible hand-eye co-ordination in a pub. Like just think about that – with that hand-eye co-ordination, he would surely make for an incredible lover. The possibilities would be endless! If I went home with that guy, I would undoubtedly be satisfied and happy for the rest of my life. Because who doesn’t get horny when someone breaks a glass on your foot?
This brave, brave man decided to come back over and introduce himself. He went so far as to pull up a stool and sit at our table. I wish I could describe the face my friend was making when he boldly plonked his inept and unattractive arse at our table. It was incredulous, and disgusted, and generally appalled. He introduced himself, asked a few questions and generally attempted to hit on us. I snorted into my beer at one stage and my friend was still staring at him with complete and utter contempt. Then our brave, brave friend leaned over to ask me why my friend was being such a bitch.
I DON’T KNOW BUDDY – MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE GLASS YOU JUST SHATTERED ON HER FOOT?
I am still confused as to what actually happened that night. The questions are endless – was I supposed to be impressed? Was I supposed to drop my own glass at his feet and thus our mating ritual would have officially begun? Had he tried that before? Had it worked? What girl had gotten horny over breaking glass?! If you are that girl, please let me know. I have the PERFECT guy for you…
